Today I lost a contest.
It wasn't a contest for something dumb (not that I haven't lost those, too), it was for something good: a part-time, well paying, very cool job at an online toy reseller called Hopscout. The job was a perfect fit for me, and evidently, also for 224 other applicants. Ultimately they chose the candidates they felt were the best fit for them (makes sense) and I was not among them. While I was disappointed, it did clarify a few things for me.
We are very short on money right now. I am trying so hard to stay home with my babies. Generations of women have done this and have made it work, and I know I can also do it. I do believe that the cost of living here is higher than it has ever been, and I'm sure this is true all over the country, but I still believe it can be done. My husband and I are not extravagant people; in fact we are quite simple. There is no reason we can't do this.
That said, a little extra income would not hurt. It would be the difference between having a few dollars in the account after paying bills or having a few hundred dollars in the account after paying bills. It would be the difference between me cutting the feet off of footie pajamas so they'll still fit Caroline or just grabbing a new pair for her (on sale, of course). It would be the difference between worry and relaxation twice a month at payday.
So I have been scouring my imagination trying to think of creative ways I can stay home with my babies and make extra money doing something I love, or at least like a lot. This job was one of many ideas I have come across, but I spent many man hours on it making a video, editing it, submitting it, begging for votes, and following up relentlessly. Hours and hours, I am telling you. Hours I could have been spending playing with my daughters. Don't get me wrong, I didn't jam them in a playpen all day and curl up with the laptop, but there were absolutely times I spent scrolling on a screen when I could have been out strolling with my girls. I have an immense guilt problem anyway; I think motherhood does this to you. But this is different, this is deserved guilt. I wasted so much of last week on this nonsense. Yes, the job would have been wonderful and I could have brought a lot to the table. And yes, money is important in that it enables you to get on in life. But as soon as it starts robbing you of time with your kids that you very easily could have otherwise spent with them, time you'll never get back with them because they'll grow and up and get big and talk back and roll their eyes and move out, money becomes worthless and of no value. Josie will only be 23 months, 2 weeks and 1 day old once... just as Caroline will only be right.on.the.verge of crawling once. I need to make sure I don't miss it by spending too much time swimming drowning in the pool of would could be.
I tend to plan, and plan, and plan, until there is nothing left to plan and I have to move on to a new sector of my life to plan. It's an absolute waste of effort and it cheats my kids and husband out of my time and attention. And I'm switching it up, starting now.
I'll always be a planner, I know this. But I need to sprinkle in a little action and a little play with that, so I can have more balance in my daily life. And when I say "action," I mean plan one thing and then DO IT before moving on to the next plan. And when I say "play," I mean relaxation and enjoyment of my life with my family. They are quite simply the very best thing that has ever happened to me, and five minutes with them will forever be worth more than some stupid dollar. So in some weird way I am actually really glad I lost this contest, this job. It was a terrific opportunity and would have been awesome, but knowing me it just would have become my next obsession. I should instead focus on obsessing over cleaning my house or doing puzzles with my girls or making a kickass dinner for my husband -- everything else will fall into place! So thanks, universe, for teaching me a valuable lesson!
